“So when I’m lying in my bed, thoughts running through my head”…

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The angels are watching…
From high upon the window sill…
With hand painted faces…
Sat there so very still…

Casting their judgment…
On what they can see…
But closing their eyes…
To all the dark reality…

They make no noise…
And lack facial expressions…
Sitting there in silence…
Avoiding the acute depression…

That exists all around…
Yet hidden from plain sight…
And becoming more potent…
As day turns into night…

Where it takes total control…
Creeping inside the mind…
And in silent darkness…
There’s no place to fucking hide…

The angels turn their backs…
As evil forces invade the bed…
And even in the darkest hour…
No support, not a single shred…

As Demons begin to take over…
Infesting behind closed eyes…
Forcing sweat out of each pour…
And panicked screams to cry…

But falling on their deaf ears…
As the angels look the other way…
Offering no hope of salvation…
Or soothing words to say…

That will help the situation…
Or combat this dark foe…
One that’s ever present…
One that simply refuses to go…

But the angels just keep watch…
High upon the window sill…
With expressionless faces…
Sat there so very fucking still…

~

“And I hope you find your freedom, for eternity”…

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It’s time for you to leave now…
Time that you were set free…
He’s unlocked you from the chains…
That caused you such misery…
It’s time to turn your back on him…
So try to forget everything…
Take this chance to walk away…
And extract his venomous sting…

It’s time for you to move on now…
And embrace the lessons learnt…
Avoiding this, the next time round…
So your fingers won’t get burnt…
Go and find somebody new…
And remove him from your life…
Someone who deserves you…
Who won’t cut you with his knife…

It’s time to stop the bleeding…
Try to let your deep wound heal…
Allow time for it to scar over…
Whilst remembering the deal…
One that was made between you…
That got you into this mess…
And from being so open and honest…
It became such a game of chess…

It’s time now to be truthful…
This wasn’t a table set for one…
There were three sides to the story…
And two torn souls having fun…
But things never work out well…
When emotions become intertwined…
Those things that get spat out in anger…
You can’t always take back or rewind…

So it’s time to stop the hating…
And pointing fingers at the others…
Things didn’t go as you’d both hoped…
You can only blame one another…
Now it’s time for you to leave…
You really are free to go…
He no longer holds those chains…
But will reap what he has sown…

~

 

“We may lose and we may win”…

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So, in the midst of a busy week that has thrown up more questions than answers on a personal matter, this blog was nominated for an award. Nominated twice actually, which really made me smile and was quite humbling.

It is not the first time; you may remember that previously, the lovely Nina from http://wordsthatflowlikewater.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/inspiring-the-very-inspiring-blogger-award/  Nominated this blog for the “Very Inspiring Blog” award – which was really nice of her.

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This achievement has now been followed up by both Richard from http://richardankerswrites.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/the-versatile-blogger-award/ and Christine from http://crissyb315.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/the-versatile-blogger-award/ nominating this blog for the “Versatile blogger award”.  Which again, is really nice and I am truly humbled.

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Both these awards come with things that need to be done and I have to admit, I am pretty poor at these – however, the fact that these awards come from wordpress peers does mean a lot and whilst I have little of interest about myself to do any sort of list, I do feel the need to spread the word of others blogs.

The below are 10 blogs that I read and follow – and I would encourage you to try them out for size – these are just a snapshot as I follow a huge amount – so if your blog isn’t below, it is not reflection on you – more an opportunity.

Please leave a comment and let people know where they can find you – this could be an opportunity for all of us to build up our wordpress base? Not sure if this will even work, but don’t be shy – we all want to be read – even if we do not think what we produce is worth reading!

So, here is a snapshot in addition to the 3 above and in no order:

http://stevehi312.wordpress.com/

http://helenvalentina.com/

http://shakeyourtailfeathers.wordpress.com/

http://busymindthinking.com/

http://kwicksand.wordpress.com/

http://apurvakj.wordpress.com/

http://sagedoyle.wordpress.com/

http://thedrugstorenotebook.co/

http://randomblurting.wordpress.com

https://morganlefaysblog.wordpress.com/

So, a song to leave this ramble – I watched an Eagles documentary last night and really enjoyed it, so have a few tunes floating round in my head – this one is a message for the weekend – “Take it easy” – no more words needed – well, unless you wish to comment!

Enjoy

“You think that I’m strong, you’re wrong”…

Keep Strong…
Keep it all locked up inside…

Keep Strong…
Keep those preying eyes outside…

Keep Strong…
Keep a stiff upper lip…

Keep Strong…
Keep taking the medicine, sip by sip…

Keep Strong…
Keep telling yourself you tried…

Keep Strong…
Keep away from those who lied…

Keep Strong…
Keep on fighting the good fight…

Keep Strong…
Keep ignoring what happened that night…

Keep Strong…
Keep remembering all that was good…

Keep Strong…
Keep on doing it the way he would…

Keep Strong…
Keep the tears from welling in your eyes…

Keep Strong…
Keep hiding, keep wearing that disguise…

“Youth is wasted on the young”…

London, Birthdays and Spam…

It’s Wednesday already and time is really flying past at the moment. Feels an age since our “Dad and Lad” trip to London at the weekend. It was nice to get some time with Ollie down there. It was nice to try and inject some of my excitement and passion for the city into him.

Despite soaring temperatures, I think it went well. He is asking to go again and for longer, which must be a good sign. We managed to cram a lot in, Covent Garden, Trafalgar Square, Piccadilly, Chinatown, Westminster, the Tower of London. All the usual places and indeed the newly built Shard. Although I couldn’t quite bring myself to pay for us to go up it, it was enough to stand beneath it.

Such an impressive monument to modern architecture, it pierces the London skyline like nothing else! I promised him that “at some point” we would go up, but that could be a long time away. We left London with heavy hearts on the Saturday night and on Sunday headed for a friends birthday party. Well, party for his son. It was nice, not as bad as I expected and good to catch up with people.

It was quite apt that the week started with a birthday, as it will end with one too. Young Ollie is 12 on Saturday. He was a Friday the 13th child, so it’s our lucky number. He loves the fact he was born on the most unluckiest day of the year. I think he feels cool, or different. He always makes a point of it when his mates are around.

I still struggle to see where the time has gone. I am sure all parents feel the same. But I can only just remember him being born. Well, I remember pissing about and trying the gas and air. I also remember the midwife telling me to come and look when his head popped out. Advice to all fathers to be reading – avoid like the plague. It will scar you for life!

Anyway, yes. 12 years old. For the most part of that, I have either been nappy changing, feeding him or being Dads taxi – which of course is my current role. Whilst I have enjoyed a certain about of selfish extra freedom with my Forty quest, I am still chained to the taxi duty. The lad has a better social life than I could dream of! Hopefully this weekend will go to plan, he will get a long converted tropical fish for his gift – see how long that survives!

One last topic on this ramble is spam! WordPress spam in the comments section – I can’t be the only one who gets these weird and wonderful words. Most of the time my spam filter gets them, but I read them and think I should let them through. Someone has gone to a lot of trouble to get these on my site. Some are superbly constructed nonsense! Some are just utterly bizarre!

Following on from that is the email spam I now get on the blog email. I feel bad that I haven’t replied to “Zara” – she told me that I was the only man for her and promised me sexual favours that made my eyes light up – if I helped her . Or to Miss Dannila Romeo – Who doesn’t know me but trusts enough me to propose sending me her fathers embezzled 19 Million dollars before her wicked uncle gets hold of it!

There are many more – all so creative – yet I do wonder – what is the point? I know there was a book called the “Yes Man” – whereby the author just replied “yes” to every email he got- be it spam or real – but that really was the exception – I just can’t see what people gain from this type of spam. Fishing emails I see – some people are really stupid sometimes and I guess there is a gain to be had.

Anyway, ramble over and a closer for today is this song from Robbie Williams. It was one of a number of good ones around the time Ollie was born. This is “Eternity” which starts out like a soft porn film with a stunning leading lady! I have to admit, Robbie was pretty hot back then too. But back to that leading lady…

Enjoy

” I just want to live while I’m alive”…

Bon Jovi – Manchester

Well, you couldn’t get more of contrast in gigs if you tried. From the tiny and intimate church venue of Ed Harcourt – to the massive football stadium in Manchester for Mr. Jon Bon Jovi. Now you may have been surprised that this was on my list, but you shouldn’t be.

This was my 3rd venture to see the all American walking ad for toothpaste in 5 years and therein lies a problem – I will come to that soon – but I caught him in the same venue around 2008, then London in 2010. Both times I was impressed to a point.

The venue has been host to many gigs since opening and you would think that, by now, they would know what they are doing. Sadly that wasn’t the case on many levels – from the opening of the doors delayed by a full hour – no fun in the baking sunshine – to the amazingly inept stewards, it was all going on.

However, I will focus on the music rather than rant at that. The support came from Band A – no idea who as they didn’t bother to introduce themselves – not too disappointing as they were pretty poor anyway. A nicer surprise was support Band B – Starsailor – who seemed genuinely chuffed to be there.

They engaged with the crowd and succeeded in keeping most of their attention – not a bad feat considering by now, most were pissed and desperate to see Mr Jovi. By the time they did amble onto stage, the crowd was really ready to be rocked and Bon Jovi began a 2 and a half hour trek through new and old stuff.

Here is where I had my issue -petty I know –  you cannot fault the work ethic, you cannot fault the enthusiasm of a man who I swear looks younger and more handsome every time I see him – much to my annoyance – but it’s not just his looks that are in some time warp.

Sure, the set list differs slightly and yeah, we go for the karaoke element – but Mr JB’s shows are now beginning to look a tad jaded. Same routine, same banter with the crowd, same pouting, and same arms thrown around to the same drum beats. Albeit lacking a certain Richie Sambora

There was really no element of surprise, other than he failed to connect with a cover of Robbie Williams “Let me entertain you” – a fact he openly admitted later on. And as the new stuff kept coming and the crowd chatter got louder, only 2 further covers (The Doors and Status Quo) really got things back into the groove.

The hits were all there and really, thats why a good 2 thirds were there and the show ended with “Living on a prayer” – but whilst his new stuff hasn’t been too shabby on CD, his stage show is really “living on past glories” – which is a shame. I would not like to be one of the “Gold circle” repeat concert attendees to spend fortunes and witness it time after time – even if he did take time out to thank them.

So all in all, it was a bit of disappointment – the Pink concert knocked spots of this and if you read this Mr Jovi – I really do like you, but time to rip apart the setlist and the live set up – strip it back – get into arenas or smaller venues for a couple of nights and remind yourself what makes you special – because as much as people take the piss out of Bon Jovi at times, he is and their music was the soundtrack to a generation.

But hey, what do I know! Next up is KT Tunstall in Leeds on Monday – really interested to hear her new stuff as the last I heard of her, she was working with Mr Neil Finn on the 7 Worlds Collide part 2 project.

Anyway, here endth this ramble and here be Mr Bon Jovi with “It’s my life” – which is frankly fucking excellent.

Enjoy

“It is as it is” – For Cancer Research…

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Well…

Not quite sure what to say, but the paperback version of this book of poems is ready to buy earlier than planned! If you click the picture it should take you through to the lulu webpage.

It’s taken a while from concept to delivery, some road humps along the way, but it is not too bad for a first attempt.

All profit from this project will be collated over the next 12 months and donated to Cancer Research.

For your information, the cost to make each book is £4.10, so each purchase will mean a donation of £5.89. I will keep a running total on a fixed page somewhere so you can keep track if you are interested.

A hardback version will follow, but the cost price on that is huge, so I am not sure if there will be much in the way of selling / donations. Time will tell.

When I started this blog, I did it in secret and for the most part, I still do. I wrote and continue to write for therapy under servere pressure, trying to hold my head and my sanity together whilst the world around me fell apart. Watching my Father slip away crowned an amazing 15 month period in my life that couldn’t have been written by the best script writers.

But I am still here, still trying to get through life like we all do – It’s fair to say I have been on the ropes, but not knocked out…

I appreciate that many of you have read my words and have been subjected to my torrid last few months – for that I apologise and thank you in equal measure. Most of you are faceless to me, but you all have a talent in writing and reading others work inspires me to do better and look at my own work through a different lens.

I have had help and encouragement from offline too and they know who they are – so thank you!!

I hope that you are able to donate to this cause, but if not, the poems remain on the site and who knows, a volume 2 may evolve– so thanks again for reading and enjoy.

Cheers

J

“I will grow, through this pain”…

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The coffin…
The church…
The cross…
A dead man sleeping in his box…

The hymns…
The prayers…
The cold…
Got to keep strong, have to be so bold…

The emotions…
The hurt…
The tears…
Carried so much, all these years…

The strangers…
The family…
The friends…
Who will care, when our life ends…

The faithful…
The faithless…
The ones in between…
All our futures are unforeseen…

The silence…
The car…
The flowers…
Overwhelming sadness, simply devours…

The hole…
The dirt…
The rose…
Hear a voice whisper, as the dark wind blows…

Your support…
Your kiss…
Your hand…
With you by my side, I truly am a better man…

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