“I can’t stand to see, you look at me in that way”…

girld

~

I know all is lost…
I know you are gone…

I know what I did…
I know I was wrong…

I made a mistake…
I abused all your trust…

I destroyed what we had…
I feel only disgust…

I have no excuses…
I just can’t explain…

I can’t make this right…
I can’t ease your pain…

I can’t change the past…
I can’t press reset…

I play it over and over…
I’m filled with regret…

I can no longer sleep…
I can’t seem to cope…

I’ve no way forward…
I’m lost in the smoke…

I’m not asking for pity…
I don’t want sympathy…

I just need you to know…
I wasn’t the real me…

I projected my anger…
I’m responsible for the act…

I wish I could rewind…
I wish I could go back…

I never meant to hurt you…
I never meant to cause harm…

I just wanted you to listen…
I needed to raise the alarm…

I couldn’t find the words…
I couldn’t articulate…

I didn’t think about it…
I acted in such haste…

I let my fists speak…
I broke all the rules…

Eye made you cry…
I’m such a fool…

I am sorry…

~

 

“I was snug as fuck”…

fuck1

~

The days are warm…
But the nights are cold…

And that summer feeling…
Feels so very old…

A long time ago…
A dim, distant memory…

Of us fooling around…
Just you and me…

Experimenting…
Fearless and naked…

Not looking out…
For anything sacred…

Young and naive…
And just having fun…

Our eyes being opened…
To what could be done…

Dark, sinful pleasures…
And sexual desires…

Touching each other…
Lighting our fires…

Lost in the moment…
The kiss and the tease…

Satisfying our hunger…
Both eager to please…

But as your eyes…
Were drawn to another…

I spat out my anger…
And jealousy smothered…

Everything we’d built…
All I thought I knew…

I couldn’t handle my feelings…
And took them out on you…

I pushed you away…
And isolated myself…

Watching you bloom…
As I sat sadly on the shelf…

I lost the warmth…
As you turned colder…

And I regret my actions…
Now that I’m older…

~

“It was only one moment like any other, but I still remember her face”…

spin-the-bottle-marilyn-monroe

~

It’s raining again…
The clouds have covered the night sky…

It’s so cold, so dark…
No sign of the stars through eyes that want to cry…

Under naked street lights…
As his mind conflicts and his memories fight…

A heavy feeling filling his feet…
Still walking to the sound of her beat…

Remembering that time and place…
He last saw her pretty face…

When life was easy and so fine…
Drinking glasses of cheap Red wine…

Spinning the bottle…
Adrenaline full throttle…

The games of truth…
Under someone else’s roof…

And all the dares…
Her matching underwear…
His longing stares…

The unspoken feelings…
On the floor kneeling…
Talking in code was so easy, so appealing…

In the bloom of his youth…
Dancing around the truth…

If only, if only, if only…

If only he wasn’t a nobody…
If only he and she could be…
If only she’d look closer and see…

His utter desire…
The never ending fire…

She was so out of reach…
And a lesson it tried to teach…

But the warning was not heeded…
Further lessons in life, would be needed…

As he would fall for others…
But his dreams would be smothered…
Leaving his loving soul undiscovered…

But forever; this one remains…
In his mind, playing games…
That will always end the same…
As he wanders through the rain…

His eyes ready to burst…
At the thought of his first…

~

Photo credit the amazing Stacey Wells http://www.artistwells.net/#!__spin-the-bottle

“Like a dream to have you on my arm”…

images

~

He’s stuck in a moment,
his eyes on the past…

His brain full of nostalgia,
with memories that last…

And haunt his present,
whilst struggling to get through…

As the life he’s living,
is filled with images of you…

The one he craved for,
Twenty years ago…

He knew from the first moment,
but he had to let go…

As the timing was wrong and
the stars weren’t aligned…

Yet he always loved you and
at one stage, tried to find…

Tracking you down,
to tell you his thoughts…

But when he saw you,
cold feet forced him to abort…

So he stood in the shadows,
gazed upon your face…

Saw your contented smile,
then left without a trace…

But with a shattered heart,
that refused to mend…

And told him over and over,
to bin the love letters, not send…

Now Twenty years later,
he has not moved on…

And still lives in the past,
even if it’s so wrong…

Filled with such regret,
at not taking his chance…

That moment in his life,
when he wanted to dance…

But now sits in the window,
that lonely table for one…

His heart aching for her,
as his mind comes undone…

~

Photo credit to Wolf_Pictures

“I was snug as fuck”…

fuck1

~

The days are warm…
But the nights are cold…
And that summer feeling…
Now feels so very old…
Such a long time ago…
A dim, distant memory…
Of us fooling around…
Just you and me…

Experimenting…
Fearless and naked…
Not looking out…
For anything sacred…
Young and naive…
And just having fun…
Our eyes being opened…
To what could be done…

Dark, sinful pleasures…
And sexual desires…
Touching each other…
Lighting our fires…
Lost in the moment…
The kiss and the tease…
Satisfying our hunger…
Both eager to please…

But as your eyes…
Were drawn to another…
I spat out my anger…
And jealousy smothered…
Everything we’d built…
All I thought I knew…
I couldn’t handle my feelings…
And took them out on you…

I pushed you away…
And isolated myself…
Watching you bloom…
As I sat sadly on the shelf…
I lost the warmth…
As you turned colder…
And I regret my actions…
Now that I am older…

~

“It was only one moment like any other, but I still remember her face”…

spin-the-bottle-marilyn-monroe

It’s raining again…

The clouds have covered
the night sky…

It’s so cold, so dark…

No sign of the stars…

Just naked street lights…
As his mind conflicts
and his memories fight…

A heavy feeling fills his feet…
Still walking to her beat…

Remembering the time and place…
That he last saw her pretty face…

When life was easy
and fine…
Drinking cheap Red wine…

Spinning the bottle…
Adrenaline full throttle…

The games of truth…
Under someone else’s
roof…

And all the dares…
Her matching underwear…
His longing stares…

The unspoken feelings…
On the floor kneeling…
Talking in code was so
easy, so appealing…

In the bloom of his youth…
Dancing around the truth…

If only, if only, if only…

If only he wasn’t a nobody…
If only he and she could be…
If only she could
look closer and see…

His utter desire…
The never ending fire…

She was so out of reach…
And a lesson it tried to teach…

But the warning was
not heeded…
Further lessons in life
would be needed…

As he would fall
for others…
But his dreams would
be smothered…
Leaving his loving soul
undiscovered…

But forever this one remains…
In his mind, playing games…
That will always end the same…
As he wanders through
the rain…

His eyes ready to burst…
At the thought of
his first…

~

Photo credit the amazing Stacey Wells http://www.artistwells.net/#!__spin-the-bottle

“It was only one moment like any other, but I still remember her face”…

spin-the-bottle-marilyn-monroe

It’s raining again…

The clouds have covered
the night sky…

It’s so cold, so dark…

No sign of the stars…

Just naked street lights…
As his mind conflicts
and his memories fight…

A heavy feeling fills his feet…
Still walking to her beat…

Remembering the time and place…
That he last saw her pretty face…

When life was easy
and fine…
Drinking cheap Red wine…

Spinning the bottle…
Adrenaline full throttle…

The games of truth…
Under someone else’s
roof…

And all the dares…
Her matching underwear…
His longing stares…

The unspoken feelings…
On the floor kneeling…
Talking in code was so
easy, so appealing…

In the bloom of his youth…
Dancing around the truth…

If only, if only, if only…

If only he wasn’t a nobody…
If only he and she could be…
If only she could
look closer and see…

His utter desire…
The never ending fire…

She was so out of reach…
And a lesson it tried to teach…

But the warning was
not heeded…
Further lessons in life
would be needed…

As he would fall
for others…
But his dreams would
be smothered…
Leaving his loving soul
undiscovered…

But forever this one remains…
In his mind, playing games…
That will always end the same…
As he wanders through
the rain…

His eyes ready to burst…
At the thought of
his first…

~

Photo credit the amazing Stacey Wells http://www.artistwells.net/#!__spin-the-bottle

“How I wish that I could do this again”…

Neil Finn – London

Neil Finn live at St James' Church Piccadilly

London. Beautiful, enchanting, evocative London. I keep saying it, I keep meaning it. The one place I feel at home. Truly overwhelmed by its majesty, truly enchanted by its spellbinding power. Apt that it was to be my last stop on my Forty for Forty quest. Apt the great Neil Finn awaited my presence.

It had been a tiring week. It was a very tiring day.  A multitude of things conspired, not least a delayed, then broken down train. I found myself in a darkened Kings Cross station, the sky had lost its light and the police were out in force outside, as were an army of Jesus worshippers.

For the first time ever, I chose to spend the night in a hostel. A mixture of adventure and cost cutting. It was easy to find and the receptionist was ultra-polite. My room, number 33, consisted of 2 bunk beds. Minimalistic I think you could call them – Dirty too.

Still, you get what you pay for and after dumping my stuff, it was out into the cold night air. Memories of my previous visit surrounded. Everywhere I looked, there was a reminder of my magical trip to see Nick Cave.

The tube wasn’t as busy as I had feared and with ears full of music, I wandered through the bustling underground until I reached Covent Garden. The gig was in Piccadilly, but I wanted to savour the sights and Christmas lights.

I found the venue and met up with the gathering Frenz. Tradition dictates now that we gather early for Neil Finn gigs. This is as much about community as it is getting a good view at standing or unreserved seat gigs.

This one was the latter as the venue, being a church, had no reserved seats, just pews. The Frenz were in good heart. And as I mentioned here – these people are amazing. And here we were again. Familiar faces, hugs and catching up on what had been going on since we last met.

And the Frenz had come from all over – A gathering of hearts and minds outside a church, But it wasn’t religion or a cult that bound us together in the cold evening air. But a love of music. Not just any music, but a love of Neil Finn. So at this point a reminder, there are gig reviews on the net – this is my experience, not a review.

We were stood outside for what felt like an eternity. Every so often, I would disappear to the venue and try figure out the best way to get my book signed. It was a small place, but 2 entrances. Neil Finn was already inside sound checking, but there was little chance of getting to him.

Even asking some nice church workers for help fell on deaf ears – this was proving to be just as hard as the Nick Cave gig. After hearing a song or two of the sound check, I gave up and decided to wait until after. Which wasn’t a bad thing and by the time my mate arrived with my ticket the queue was suddenly moving.

But it didn’t move far, just from the top gate to the door of the actual church, where we were made to stand around for another 40 minutes before the doors were opened an we entered the venue – all the good folk around me filled the first couple of rows, I was front row – great view other than Neil’s piano cover!

The church was decked out and ready for Christmas. Two huge trees stood proud behind Neil’s grand piano and the lighting made for a warm and welcoming environment. There were chairs for the string section and a smaller piano next to a drum kit. Quite a sparse setting really.

It was around 9pm that Neil finally entered the venue and by then it was packed. There was an eerie feeling in the room and a sense of occasion. This was a showcase for Neil’s upcoming album “Dizzy Heights“. Alongside him were a string section, led by the enchanting Victoria Kelly and a drummer named Chris.

Neil took a bow and sat at the piano, before launching into a song called “Divebomber”. An interesting song that has certainly divided the fans. It feels more like a movie soundtrack and sang all in falsetto, it was certainly a brave opening. Neil carried it off very well indeed.

The song was followed by the title track “Dizzy Heights”, which has had the opposite effect of Divebomber on the fans, indeed, the song has already become a clear favourite amongst many.

Still without really addressing the audience, Neil then went into “In My Blood”, another new song which went down well on the webcast, with such a catchy and soaring chorus about reincarnation. It was well received, as was “White Lies and Alibis”.

Neil was beginning to warm up now and the formal opening began to subside and the usual Finn wit that we have grown to love began to shine through. His next new song was “Lights of New York”, and he had sent out Chris, the drummer to go and get some city sounds to play over the top of the song – he recorded high heels!

Fellow New Zealander Connan Mockasin then joined Neil for a new song called “Gentle Dave”. An interesting one that will need to be listened to a few more times before any verdict is made for sure. The same can’t be said for the instantly catchy “Better Than TV”, which immediately hit home.

“Recluse” was then followed by an older song called “Sinner” – this is one of Neil’s best solo songs from the 1998 album “Try whistling this”. The church lighting went Red and it was played perfectly  – and in such a setting too. “Impressions” was the last of the new songs on the night.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do now” said Finn as the strings and Victoria Kelly left, leaving Neil and drummer Chris. The idea now was a shout out request show and all formality went out of the window.

However, Neil did start with an earlier request. It was our Frenz Val ‘s 100th live show and we had been tweeting Neil to see if he would dedicate a song for her and he did. A supreme piano version of “World Where You Live” leaving Val beaming from ear to ear.

My shout out request for “Faster Than Light” came next, at least, I think it was mine amongst the shouting voices. I claim it regardless!  A faultless rendition of “Message To My Girl” followed, before Neil went “Into Temptation”– once again, a church a rather apt setting for the nature of the song.

It was clear that poor drummer Chris hadn’t quite understood the delicate nature of the song as he thumped along to it. Neil had given him a couple of glances, but at the end of the song, some wag shouted “Taxi For Chris” to which Neil went into a really funny improvisation. Perhaps he realised and spared the drummers blushes.

Someone asked for the obscure “Blue Hotel”, to which Neil couldn’t remeber the words. He asked someone to sing the first line and from the back of the church came a really beautiful and brave voice. Infact, he did it twice as Neil asked him to, but when Neil asked if he could play it on the piano, it was a no – which killed the moment sadly – Neil really has to learn his back catalouge for the tour!

As ever, “Private Universe” was spellbinding, and Victoria Kelly joined the stage for “Anytime” and the final song of the night “Distant Sun”, which had the whole church singing as one. It was over far too soon and the whole audience were on their feet wanting more.

Neil left us hanging and will return next year for a full UK tour. For a showcase, it had a nice balance. I think as a fan, I would have preferred and have been to more looser shows. But todays music business as it is, I think Neil got the balance about right on this one.

And with that, my book signing quest was on. But once again, I have had to leave it with a manager and keep my fingers crossed that the postman will deliver something very soon. By 11 pm, I was heading into central London and enjoying the sights and finding some distraction. The night air of London had a much colder feel tonight.

Sadly, I did not enjoy the hostel and being forced to move rooms at 3am was not fun. Still, another experience to add to my collection! So the Forty for Forty quest is now *paused* till 2014. More on that to come later, but in the meantime, here is the aforementioned “In my Blood” from the night.

Enjoy

“Try and get some rest, try and get some sleep”…

Nightmares_And_Insanity_by_SAB687

Sweet dreams my love…
Sleep well and sleep tight…
Go dance with the sandman…
Don’t let the bed bugs bite…

Allow slumber to seep on in…
Drifting away, let yourself fall…
Your dreamscape is approaching…
Follow your imagination’s call…
 
High above the moon lit clouds…
Deep inside your innocent mind…
Where anything can and will happen…
But I pray… it’s not like mine...

From the depths of the darkness…
I thought I heard a sound…
Distant drumming getting closer…
I tried to move, but was bound…
 
Frozen like a stone statue…
In the dark and all alone…
The drumming was getting closer…
  But the drummer was unknown…

My heart began to beat faster…
And my body was totally paralysed…
The boxes I’d locked began to open…
Spitting out my fears and my lies…
 
Everything I’d quietly hidden…
And packed away from sight…
Twisted Demons began to play with…
And dance around in a starless night…

The sweat began to gather…
And my REM sleep took hold…
There was no escaping this…
Watching as this nightmare unfolds…
 
The drummer’s in the room now…
And there’s someone in my bed…
With ice like frozen fingers…
Slowly tapping on my head…

Screaming in my ear…
Smothering all my cries…
Feeding off my guilt…
As I lay there simply terrified…
 
This horrific manifestation…
Of my fucked up soul…
Began peeling back my skin…
I’ve no escape, I’ve got no hope…

The drum beat then went silent…
And through the dark I could see….
A thousand versions of myself….
And none of them are free…
 
In pain and so tormented…
Trapped within a personal hell…
Some cutting themselves with razors
Others dumbstruck, under her spell…

The drum beat slowly restarted…
Like a battle cry from the Abyss…
One by one I saw myself dying…
Payback for every crime I did commit…
 
The screaming became a whisper…
And a voice then slowly said…
“When you awake in the morning…
Your soul is already fucking dead”…

With that the presence departed…
The morning sun blinded my eyes…
It was too late to ask for forgiveness…
It was too late to even try…
 
So, sweet dreams my love…
Sleep well and sleep tight…
Go dance with the sandman…
But don’t let the Devil inside…

Once you allow him to seep in…
You’ll never resist his tempting call…
And when the end is approaching…
There’ll be no one to prevent your fall…

Picture by Stacy Ann Borg

“Everything he told you was wrong”…

photo(7)

~

Waves of emotion…

Wash over me…

No pleasure, just pain…

That no one can see…

Kept it all hidden…

Deep down inside…

And all to myself…

Remain so dignified…

And keep it all in…

So no one can tell…

Even fooling myself…

If I try not to dwell…

If I try not to notice…

Then no one else will…

The art of deception…

I’ve mastered the skill…

Just keep on moving…

Day after day…

It’s how to survive…

It’s the only way…

~