“I have become, comfortably numb”…

ang

~

Here he lies sleeping…
Deep underground…

The grass has grown over…
No trace can be found…

Just a simple plot…
With memories and flowers…

So peaceful and so quiet…
I could sit here for hours…

A place that’s so detached…
In a field full of pain…

My mind floods with memories…
Under a sky filled with rain…

Refusing to let emotions show…
Keeping tears locked away inside…

It’s the way he brought me up…
Even now I can’t cry…

It’s all floating around in there…
Yet I keep it all closed…

If I open the box…
I’ll feel so vulnerable, so exposed…

That’s just not an option…
So it’s a choice I have made…

And along with all the others…
Grieving will be forever delayed…

Perhaps this is my weakness…
A sign that I’m not strong…

But don’t lay there and judge me…
Don’t tell me this is wrong…

It doesn’t mean I don’t think about you…
Or what you mean to me…

Maybe one day I’ll resolve this…
Perhaps then I’ll be set free…

Until then you can sleep…
Your body covered in dirt…

Becoming at one with the Earth…
And at peace from all your hurt…

~

“Don’t think, Don’t worry, Everything’s just fine”…

numb-2-blood-man

~

He doesn’t know what…
What you want him to say…

Doesn’t even know…
How he is feeling today…

He doesn’t even know…
What or how to feel…

Yet you ask him to talk…
Ask him to reveal…

You ask him what…
What it is he is thinking…

But his mind is numb…
And his heart is sinking…

All of his life…
He’s kept his emotions at bay…

Don’t you see how easy it is…
Just to lock them away…

If he let them loose…
He would be terrified…

So he keeps them near…
It’s how he’s survived…

It doesn’t mean…
That he’s not keeping you close…

You are the person…
He is needing the most…

Sometimes he needs to be alone…
Open your eyes and see…

Somedays it’s not you…
It’s simply all he can be…

And he has to get through this…
But be true to himself…

So he is leaving the demons…
High on the shelf…

In his dreams they still haunt…
They will always replay…

But it’s a battle he will face…
Some other fucking day…

So please understand…
He can’t do what you do…

He does things his way…
It’s how he gets through…

It’s got him this far…
He’s got to go with his gut…

So the doors are all closed…
And all the windows are shut…

Today it is Black…
Tomorrow may be too…

But no matter what…
Remember he loves only you…

~

 

“I can’t smile without you”…

d-2974

~

She sits all alone…

Remembering the days…

When she felt so safe…

Under his watchful gaze…

Locked in his arms…

Her knight and protector…

He was the only one…

Who made her life better…

And helped her make sense…

Of the world she lived in…

When she wanted to give up…

His words were “keep fighting“…

But since he left her…

It’s been hard to carry on…

Life feels so worthless…

And everything feels so wrong…

With eyes clouded by tears…

That leave their daily mark…

They flow down her face…

Extinguishing any spark…

Of the woman she remembers…

A long time ago…

When her life had a purpose…

And his love set her aglow…

Giving her the courage…

To be free within herself…

To lose all her inhibitions…

Leave her fears on the shelf…

But she sat and she watched…

As his life ebbed away…

Feeling so damn helpless…

Each and every cruel day…

Nothing she could do…

Could stop his cancerous pain…

It was out of her hands…

She was not to blame…

But now she sits all alone…

Not knowing how to move on…

She’s caught in his shadow…

He was her “Sine Qua Non”

~

“Burning in Hell, trying to rise above it”…

2014-05-28_1401279642

~

The cities heart beats…
Throughout the night…
Haunting sirens echo…
Flashing bright lights…
It’s a relentless buzz…
That’s always speaking…
But seldom pausing…
Never, ever sleeping…

With electricity flowing…
Through its veins…
This living entity…
Holds and contains…
Millions of hearts…
Constructed for loving…
But in the darkness…
Most are cheating…

And looking for sin…
Away from the streets…
Down the avenues…
To feel complete…
And fill the void…
The expanding hole…
That needs healing…
Before Devils gain control…

Blinding their eyes…
To the symbol of liberty…
Rising above them…
Higher than the trees…
Standing tall and proud…
A constant conscience…
Persuading eyes to see…
There will be consequence…

Unless they take action…
Learn how to fix things…
Repair the damage…
And grow some wings…
Not sit back and take it…
Or hide within a shroud…
But take charge instead…
Blow away the dark clouds…

And find a place…
To reflect and pause…
Try break the cycle…
Identify the cause…
And make a change…
Because city life goes on…
To another strange day…
And another sad song…

~

“Don’t think, Don’t worry, Everything’s just fine”…

numb-2-blood-man

~

He doesn’t know what…
What you want him to say…

Doesn’t even know…
How he is feeling today…

He doesn’t even know…
What or how to feel…

Yet you ask him to talk…
Ask him to reveal…

You ask him what…
What it is he is thinking…

But his mind is numb…
And his heart is sinking…

All of his life…
He’s kept his emotions at bay…

Don’t you see how easy it is…
Just to lock them away…

If he let them loose…
He would be terrified…

So he keeps them near…
It’s how he’s survived…

It doesn’t mean…
That he’s not keeping you close…

You are the person…
He is needing the most…

Sometimes he needs to be alone…
Open your eyes and see…

Somedays it’s not you…
It’s simply all he can be…

And he has to get through this…
But be true to himself…

So he is leaving the demons…
High on the shelf…

In his dreams they still haunt…
They will always replay…

But it’s a battle he will face…
Some other fucking day…

So please understand…
He can’t do what you do…

He does things his way…
It’s how he gets through…

It’s got him this far…
He’s got to go with his gut…

So the doors are all closed…
And all the windows are shut…

Today it is Black…
Tomorrow may be too…

But no matter what…
Remember he loves only you…

~

 

“The only thing I have to say, it’s been a good year for the roses”…

index

~

Twenty Thirteen limps to an end…

Was it an enemy, didn’t feel like a friend…

Each new beginning we’ll still do the same…

New Year’s resolutions our delusional game…

That we know we’ll seldom keep…

Yet we will never stop to weep…

Forgetting them all in the passing of time…

Only focusing on our daily crimes…

Ultimately making different plans…

Recognising life is out of our hands…

That it’s all part of fate’s twisted story…

Each setback and each victory…

Every year we make the same foolish mistake…

New Year’s resolutions are not ours to make

~

“We may lose and we may win”…

~

So, in the midst of a busy week that has thrown up more questions than answers on a personal matter, this blog was nominated for an award. Nominated twice actually, which really made me smile and was quite humbling.

It is not the first time; you may remember that previously, the lovely Nina from http://wordsthatflowlikewater.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/inspiring-the-very-inspiring-blogger-award/  Nominated this blog for the “Very Inspiring Blog” award – which was really nice of her.

very-inspiring-blogger-award

This achievement has now been followed up by both Richard from http://richardankerswrites.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/the-versatile-blogger-award/ and Christine from http://crissyb315.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/the-versatile-blogger-award/ nominating this blog for the “Versatile blogger award”.  Which again, is really nice and I am truly humbled.

20130802-003321

Both these awards come with things that need to be done and I have to admit, I am pretty poor at these – however, the fact that these awards come from wordpress peers does mean a lot and whilst I have little of interest about myself to do any sort of list, I do feel the need to spread the word of others blogs.

The below are 10 blogs that I read and follow – and I would encourage you to try them out for size – these are just a snapshot as I follow a huge amount – so if your blog isn’t below, it is not reflection on you – more an opportunity.

Please leave a comment and let people know where they can find you – this could be an opportunity for all of us to build up our wordpress base? Not sure if this will even work, but don’t be shy – we all want to be read – even if we do not think what we produce is worth reading!

So, here is a snapshot in addition to the 3 above and in no order:

http://stevehi312.wordpress.com/

http://helenvalentina.com/

http://shakeyourtailfeathers.wordpress.com/

http://busymindthinking.com/

http://kwicksand.wordpress.com/

http://apurvakj.wordpress.com/

http://sagedoyle.wordpress.com/

http://thedrugstorenotebook.co/

http://randomblurting.wordpress.com

https://morganlefaysblog.wordpress.com/

So, a song to leave this ramble – I watched an Eagles documentary last night and really enjoyed it, so have a few tunes floating round in my head – this one is a message for the weekend – “Take it easy” – no more words needed – well, unless you wish to comment!

Enjoy

“I can’t control the fires raging in my soul tonight”…

~

Something’s very wrong…
It’s beginning to terrify…

The pain keeps on burning…
Maybe it’s time to try…

Try and get some help…
And see what’s going on…

Because it feels like a fire…
Fire burning from dusk till dawn…

The sickness makes me feel…
Feel so sick and so dizzy…

When it’s in full flight…
Life is not so damn easy…

It’s affecting how I think…
Think and interact…

The medicine isn’t working…
It’s time to take it back…

Back down to the doctor…
Doctor who’ll find another cure…

Something must be out there…
Although I can’t be sure…

Not so sure of anything…
Anything and everything becoming one…

And everytime I work it out…
Something else starts to go wrong…

So I need to get this sorted…
Sort and fix my broken parts…

I need to do it quickly…
Before something serious starts…

It could already be cancer…
Or it could be something else…

There’s only on way to find out…
And I have to do it by myself…

I have to find the answer…
Answer to whatever this maybe…

Unravel this frustrating riddle…
Put an end to this painful mystery…

Because something’s very wrong…
And it’s burning deep inside…

Inside me is a fire…
Fire that refuses to die…
~

“I really love it when you tell me to stop”…

Memories…

So, this week, I received a letter from my local bank. They were kind enough to remind me that I had the princely sum of £8 sat in an account and that – as the account had not been used for some time – they had made the account inactive. If I wanted to continue using the account, or close it, all I had to do was pop in and they would sort it.

In the end, I decided to close it as it wasn’t going to be used again. However, the decision and the action I took provoked a surprising reaction within me. You see, this was my first ever “grown up” bank account and one I was forced into setting it up when I was 16ish. Without it, the company I was working for couldn’t pay me.

When I left school, I fell into a Youth Training Scheme. These were a UK initiative and took school leavers and threw them head first into a working environment. You didn’t get any formal training as such, just a very basic weekly training session as you worked – How this was supposed to teach you “life skills” I do not know.

Anyway, closing this account brought back a lot of memories that I had forgotten. memories, for example, surrounding my “pay day blues” – which you may think is a bizarre concept. However, in a world where mobile phones, internet, gaming consoles etc did not exist, most spare time after work would mean spending time in a pub.

The pub would be equipped with a pool table and a seductive gambling machine. Perhaps not as sophisticated as you see today, but the outcome would be the same i.e – 8 times out of 10, you lose your cash. I was paid weekly for my YTS, £44.89 was my first payment and that first celebratory Friday night left me with around £10 to last till the next payday a week later.

You would have thought I would have quickly learned, but part of the perks of living at home at the time, meant I didn’t have to worry too much about money – but the fact remained, budgeting was not my skill. Gambling my money away certainly was.

Back then, the working environment was very much different to what it is now – looking back, it was a world away from what today’s generation walk into. Memories of my first office day and the “banter” that went on, which would not be classed very “PC” in today’s world, came flooding back.

I remember instantly “falling in lust” with the older girls in the office environment. The pencil skirts, the see through blouses and watching them interact with the male colleagues was eye opening to say the least. Most were married of course, but for many, this was how they got through the day.

I had a very brief encounter in a store cupboard with a girl, also on a YTS and not married – you know, I remember the kiss, but not the name of the girl – strange how the mind selects what to remember and what to discard. Strange how easy it was to get a girl to kiss you in work time – It was much harder at school!

I spent 9 months in an office environment  and from there, my YTS took me into a warehouse environment. As a 17ish year old, I was so unprepared for what was in store for me. The goings on there could fill 2 rambles, but again, all old memories triggered by one action of closing a bank account.

Another memory that was triggered this week was surrounding my father after some sad news from someone I consider close. I learn more about myself every day and I am not sure I like it all. For example, I am now quite far away from March 27th, yet I chose to focus on another memory from that night and lock my father’s passing away.

I also refuse to think of either good or bad times I spent with him and I cannot look at a photo. I refuse to cry and I refuse to speak about my feelings with anyone – even those close. At his graveside I sit and write but do not speak.

What does this tell me about myself. Will this be the new normal for me. I have no answers and I guess the coward in me doesn’t want to hear answers, he just craves more distractions. I continue to ponder and just when I think I am closer to “something” – I let go and find myself back at the beginning. I know that doesn’t make much sense to you, not sure it does to me.

Anyway, we are another day closer to Friday and London will soon be awaiting. Until then, thanks for sticking by another ramble and enjoy today’s offering – Back to the office girls in my YTS days and PULP – I think Jarvis Cocker may have had the same interactions in his first job. This is “Pencil Skirt”.

Enjoy

“I have become, comfortably numb”…

xXx

Here he lies sleeping…
Deep underneath the ground…
The grass has quickly grown over…
No trace can now be found…

Just a simple unnamed plot…
With loving memories and flowers…
So peaceful and so quiet…
I could just sit here for hours…

A place that feels so detached…
In a field full of death and pain…
My mind just floods with memories…
Under a sky that’s filled with rain…

Refusing to let my emotions show…
Keeping my tears locked away inside…
It’s the way he brought me up…
Even now I can’t bring myself to cry…

It’s all floating around in there…
Yet I deny and keep it closed…
If I face up and open the box…
I’ll feel so vulnerable, so exposed…

That’s just not an option…
And it’s a choice that I have made…
So along with so all the others…
The grieving will be forever delayed…

Perhaps this is my weakness…
A sign that I’m not strong…
But don’t lay there and judge me…
Don’t tell me this is wrong…

It doesn’t mean I don’t think about you…
Or what you mean to me…
Maybe one day I’ll resolve this…
Perhaps then I’ll be set free…

Here he lies sleeping…
A dead man covered in the dirt…
Slowly becoming at one with the Earth…
At peace from all that hurt…

xXx