Time Flees – or flies – depending on your translation. It certainly seems to be doing that at the moment. Sometimes I am not sure if I am coming or going, but the one thing that I am sure of – time is slipping away.
In the blink of an eye, a year has somehow passed and Thursday marks the first anniversary of Dads passing. It has come round quickly and caps off a hatrick of milestones in a short timeframe. A first Christmas without him, his first birthday without him and then the day.
A year ago to the day I was in Nottingham at a gig. Looking for distraction and finding it in one way or another, only to be pulled back down to reality on the way home, as he had quietly passed whilst I was away. A lot has happened since then. Too much to take in for so many reasons, both good and bad.
I liked to think I was mentally strong. I have faced a lot of situations in my life and tried to meet them head on. I feel I have succeeded in most things. I have been there for people, I have given others strength, protected people and I feel comfortable knowing that I am perhaps not the worst person in the world.
But I recognise that even the strong get weak sometimes, even the good turn bad and even the saints make mistakes. I know that my head has not been 100% right for a while. Stress is a huge factor. I was always told that if you have stress in one area of your life, you can deal with it.
By that, I mean if it’s at work, you can breathe at home – or visa versa. However, it takes real mental strength and courage to deal with stress in more than one area of your life. Looking for head space has been critical for me over a long period of time now. Over 2 years if I am honest.
I can recognise it. I don’t need stress awareness, I am aware it exists. What I need to do is combat it. Distraction works well. Music heals and is helping. Trying to fix things where I can also helps, along with a holiday to New York to look forward to – well, I am Forty now.
But I confess, I’m tired. So very tired. Mentally, I’m juggling so many balls, spinning so many plates and trying to keep things going. In the meantime, I’m dropping the ball, smashing some plates and feel like I’m not getting anywhere fast.
So a year has passed and I am older, but no wiser. The boxes I locked away in my head have grown. A few things have been added and there are a few things that refuse to stay where I put them. Funny thing locking things away, you know why you do it and it feels right at the time, but it does sometimes feel like delaying rather than anything else.
Not that I am strong enough to face the alternative. There is too much to unlock and I wouldn’t know where to start. This isn’t a self pity plea for counselling by the way and please do not bombard me with religion. I already dodged an invitation to a Jehovah’s Witness convention this week. All with good intention, but just not what I need.
I will deal with the good Lord when the time comes. At this point in my life, that’s not something I want to try. Although, I do respect and admire people’s faith and opinions, and you know, that could be the answer. Perhaps. But at this time I need distraction. Nothing more, nothing less.
So, tomorrow I am again being healed by music. Franz Ferdinand in Leeds. I will soak it in, take all that I can get and refocus, then forget Thursday and him. Lock it away and move on. I know no other way and it’s worked for so long. I know it’s not perfect, but if I am honest, that sums me up pretty well.
Anyway, ramble over and thanks for reading – I will leave it to Johnny Marr and the Healers to hopefully… heal…