“I tried to show you just how much I care”…

~

I wish I knew what I know now…
Right from the very start…
Now it’s laid out before me…
The truth inside your heart…

Your words so cruelly spoken…
Those cleverly constructed lies…
Roll off your tongue with ease…
Forcing tears into my eyes…

Each one a guilt laced arrow…
Embedding into my brain…
Forcing me to defend myself…
Whilst twisted up with pain…

I used to know you better…
Better than you knew yourself…
But that’s no longer true…
And I need to protect myself…

I can’t believe the difference…
Or what’s changed in you…
It’s like you are a stranger…
Not the person I once knew…

You once were soft and gentle…
So much fun to be around…
But something’s taken over…
Destroying the love we found…

Now you’re evil and vicious…
Moods swinging wild and free…
Like a volcano always erupting…
Or a killer in the midst of a spree…

I’ve tried hard to begin again…
Go back to the very start…
When our world was young…
Before we were ripped apart…

I’ve tried forgetting the past…
The damage that’s been done…
Vanquish the haunting demons…
Set course towards the sun…

I’ve tried unlocking the chains…
That keep on holding us back…
A heavy and constant reminder…
Keeping our memories Black…

I’ve tried looking inside my soul…
For reasons to keep us close…
But the way you act around me…
I can’t destroy our ghosts…

I wish I knew what I know now…
Right from the very start…
Now it’s laid out before me…
It’s breaking my fragile heart…

~

“I press my lips against her name”…

Dear-Deidre_2

Dear Deidre
 
I am writing to you because I need your advice…
I’m addicted to sex and I’m addicted to vice…
I’m also having an affair with my friend’s sister…
And my porn addiction causes me to blister…
I like to have sex with girls but I also like men…
I have a tendency to do this again and again…
Sometimes I dress up, complete with stockings and heels…
I know that it’s wrong, but my god, how good does it feel…
My drug consumption is now under control…
But I slept with my counsellor as she tried to console…
Now she claims that I am the father of two…
I asked Mr Kyle for a DNA test, well wouldn’t you…
If I become a father, that would clip my wings…
I can’t have that as I’m in love with all lust brings…
I guess you think that I’m horrid and shallow…
But it’s not my fault if I get urges and follow…
Talking of which, my colleague just smiled and asked me on a date…
So we had sex in the storeroom, no need to wait…
Or waste precious seconds playing silly games…
I have others to sleep with, if I can remember their names…
Please Deidre – please please please reply…
I will heed your advice and promise to try and comply…

Yours
Trapped in Lust’s shadow

***************************************************************

Dear Trapped in Lust’s shadow
 
In all my years I don’t think I have read…
A letter from someone so fucked in the head…
You really appear such a despicable man…
You have no morals, but I’ll do what I can…
I can see you’re addicted and weak and shallow…
In fact you are simply the most disgusting fellow…
There is nothing I could write that will make you FINE…
Even suggesting you call my premium rate helpline…
But where do I start with my moralising…
How do I preach at you… whilst fantasising…
Your words make me hot, of that there’s no doubt…
My glasses are steamed up, all I can think about…
Is the two of us alone in a room, just you and me…
I’m sat here naked, if only you could see…
That I write and I judge, but long for some wrong…
A man to burst in who is big and is strong…
And take me so hard up against that wall…
But I couldn’t say that, couldn’t tell you at all…
So with that in mind, all I can suggest…
Is we meet up in secret and you put your hands on my breasts…
Please hurry up, my mobile number is this…
And don’t tell a soul that I long for your kiss…

Yours filled with forbidden longing…
DD xxxx

“Seeing a light, A face in the crowd”…

Cabaret – Bradford

will

So, my birthday week is at an end. I am now Forty and officially on my way to half a century walking this Earth. It’s been quite a week of celebrations, some unexpected and some requested.

I have been spoiled from those around me and it has been quite overwhelming in some ways. In others, I wonder why reaching this milestone has not really stirred me and had me shouting from the roof tops – it’s left me quite unmoved, but that’s a box left locked.

As is the box that had a quiet nod to the dearly departed. To acknowledge that side was to remember my year so far and a lot of it, I am trying hard to forget. That may sound harsh, but for me, it’s the only way.

Anyway, in the mix of gifts came signed memorabilia from Mr Finn – an amazing surprise and the much requested and desired hot air balloon ride, which I am so very much looking forward to.

I can now rest easy that it’s all over and begin to get back to real life – which should not be difficult. However, the week ended with a trip to see Will Young’s Cabaret in Bradford.

This was the same place I had a magical and fascinating night with Derran Brown in what seems such a long time ago now. In fact, so long ago, I can barely remember too much about the night, other than the ending.

The Alhambra is a fine theatre, yet it finds itself in Bradford, which would be the first to admit that it wasn’t the most salubrious of cities. The splendour inside the venue almost feels too out of place.

I had no idea of what to expect from this musical. I knew Will Young was getting rave reviews and I knew that there may be scantily clad women. Well, there was both and neither disappointed.

The back drop to the story was pre Nazi Germany and you were enticed into the KitKat club very gently at first, before being hit full in the face with a dazzling dancing ensemble.

The half-naked women in stockings, suspenders, high heels. The half-naked men in little more than leather shorts. The bright lights, the smell of sex and drugs, the lust that fuelled them. It was a club I would like to find.

Will Young played the sinister Emcee – with a white painted face and he played it remarkably well. So much so, that I would think any other part would be difficult for him to play now. Forget any preconceptions of Young the singer or Pop idol – this was a genius at work.

Young lit up the stage and memorised whenever in view. The way he played the part suggested it may have been written for him, but I have not seen the film, so that would be a guess. It was quite a fast paced show and the songs were really well sung.

I didn’t know too many, but even the ones I didn’t know were written well enough to captivate. There was a sub plot, and you can read it all here – there is no point me reproducing – however, it was the KitkKat club scenes that entranced.

Over the course of the show, the heavier side of the plot was uncomfortable at times. The undertones in how the Nazi party went about their business and began to ruin lives before coming into power was hard to watch.

The ending was even worse, depicting the Nazis in power, culminating with every actor naked (Inc Young) and depicting a gas chamber scene – it left the audience in total silence. This was not your normal feel good factor show, but it was quite brilliant and I am so glad to have witnessed it.

So, my Forty for Forty moves on to next week and a quite packed October. Jimmy Carr, Nina Conti, Phil Jupitus, Tom Odell and Nick Cave all await my presence. I will not have time to write them all up, so prepare for selected highlights!

To end this ramble, I couldn’t find anything suitable from the show, so I think you will have to find your own on youtube – and I would not normally infect your ears with Will Young’s music – however, I do like this track and actually wish I had written it – so forgive me. This is “Jealousy”.

Enjoy

“I put a spell on you, because you’re mine”…

baba

~

The winter sun was cold…
Wind blew particles of ice…
There was nobody else around…
This was such a hefty price…
For ignoring all the warnings…
And for heading out alone…
Into the middle of nowhere…
So far away from home…
 
Lost in this Russian forest…
The traveller saw the hut…
And desperate for shelter…
Ignored the unease in his gut…
He opened up the door…
And eased himself inside…
Quietly looked around…
It smelt like someone died…
 
All dark, cold and dingy…
With cobwebs all around…
The panic started to rise…
He was startled by a sound…
Turning round he saw her…
This old malevolent witch…
Was only frozen for a moment…
Deceived by the haggard bitch…
 
And this was his mistake…
As the cover is not the book…
He should have been respectful…
And not judging on her looks…
For this was Baba Yaga…
The all great and powerful…
Her witchcraft was legendry…
And he would be so regretful…
 
She instantly enslaved him…
A spell locked his soul away…
He would now be her servant…
Until the fateful day…
That she would feel hungry…
Rip off all his flesh…
Devour him for supper…
And feel totally refreshed…
 
And so her legend grows…
But the traveller is gone…
No longer to walk this Earth…
Or witness early morning dawn…
The winter sun was cold…
Wind contained particles of ice…
There was nobody else around…
He paid such a hefty price…

~

“Girl, before I met you I was F.I.N.E. Fine”…

~

… FINE …

… One word …

… Four letters …

… Let’s pretend …

… That nothing matters …

… Nothing is wrong …

… No words spoken …

… When deep inside …

… Everything is broken …

… Won’t tell a soul …

… Can’t let them see …

… So all is FINE …

… And good with me …

… Say the word …

… And nobody asks …

… Not scratching the surface …

… Just walking on past …

… Moving on to the next …

… Leaving me alone …

… They dodge a bullet …

… Whilst I stifle my moan …

… Covering the truth …

… There’s no other way …

… What if I told you …

… What would you say …

… If I opened up …

… What could you do …

… It’s not your problem …

… These are my issues …

… Seen through my eyes …

… And my perspective …

… What do you care …

… It’s all so subjective …

… My mountain ranges …

… Are your mole hills …

… My fears, my doubts …

… You’d handle with skill …

… So it’s not important …

… No need to vent …

… I’ll keep it inside …

… And that will prevent …

… You needing to invest …

… Any more of your time …

… Because it doesn’t matter …

… Honestly, I’m F.I.N.E …
 
Frustrated…
Insecure…
Neurotic…
Emotional…

~