“I’ve given all I can, It’s not enough”…

~

Holding onto the gun…

Blue steel in his eyes…

His finger on the trigger…

Can’t escape from his disguise…

So deep under cover…

Into another life he was hurled…

This was always likely to happen…

In this darkened underworld…

His mission was out of sight…

He became a walking ghost…

Nobody knows his identity…

Known only as Deep Throat…

He had to infiltrate them…

Gain their trust and their respect…

Whilst slowly gathering information…

Then feeding back the intellect…

But now he stands here ready…

The loaded gun is in his hand…

Pointing at an innocent victim…

Who could never understand…

That he simply has to do this…

To prove to them he’s real…

This man’s collateral damage…

It all seems so fucking surreal…

But there is a higher purpose…

So much more at stake…

And he has to pull the trigger…

Even though it’s a Karma mistake…

It’s all part of his business…

Even the removal of a soul…

So many more before this…

It’s how he has to roll…

But now he has to focus…

Complete this transactional task…

He stands and pulls the trigger…

The victim’s blood adds to his mask…

He sees the men stood smiling…

Knows this initiation is complete…

They will all begin to trust him…

As he plots their downfall and defeat…

~

“I really love it when you tell me to stop”…

Memories…

So, this week, I received a letter from my local bank. They were kind enough to remind me that I had the princely sum of £8 sat in an account and that – as the account had not been used for some time – they had made the account inactive. If I wanted to continue using the account, or close it, all I had to do was pop in and they would sort it.

In the end, I decided to close it as it wasn’t going to be used again. However, the decision and the action I took provoked a surprising reaction within me. You see, this was my first ever “grown up” bank account and one I was forced into setting it up when I was 16ish. Without it, the company I was working for couldn’t pay me.

When I left school, I fell into a Youth Training Scheme. These were a UK initiative and took school leavers and threw them head first into a working environment. You didn’t get any formal training as such, just a very basic weekly training session as you worked – How this was supposed to teach you “life skills” I do not know.

Anyway, closing this account brought back a lot of memories that I had forgotten. memories, for example, surrounding my “pay day blues” – which you may think is a bizarre concept. However, in a world where mobile phones, internet, gaming consoles etc did not exist, most spare time after work would mean spending time in a pub.

The pub would be equipped with a pool table and a seductive gambling machine. Perhaps not as sophisticated as you see today, but the outcome would be the same i.e – 8 times out of 10, you lose your cash. I was paid weekly for my YTS, £44.89 was my first payment and that first celebratory Friday night left me with around £10 to last till the next payday a week later.

You would have thought I would have quickly learned, but part of the perks of living at home at the time, meant I didn’t have to worry too much about money – but the fact remained, budgeting was not my skill. Gambling my money away certainly was.

Back then, the working environment was very much different to what it is now – looking back, it was a world away from what today’s generation walk into. Memories of my first office day and the “banter” that went on, which would not be classed very “PC” in today’s world, came flooding back.

I remember instantly “falling in lust” with the older girls in the office environment. The pencil skirts, the see through blouses and watching them interact with the male colleagues was eye opening to say the least. Most were married of course, but for many, this was how they got through the day.

I had a very brief encounter in a store cupboard with a girl, also on a YTS and not married – you know, I remember the kiss, but not the name of the girl – strange how the mind selects what to remember and what to discard. Strange how easy it was to get a girl to kiss you in work time – It was much harder at school!

I spent 9 months in an office environment  and from there, my YTS took me into a warehouse environment. As a 17ish year old, I was so unprepared for what was in store for me. The goings on there could fill 2 rambles, but again, all old memories triggered by one action of closing a bank account.

Another memory that was triggered this week was surrounding my father after some sad news from someone I consider close. I learn more about myself every day and I am not sure I like it all. For example, I am now quite far away from March 27th, yet I chose to focus on another memory from that night and lock my father’s passing away.

I also refuse to think of either good or bad times I spent with him and I cannot look at a photo. I refuse to cry and I refuse to speak about my feelings with anyone – even those close. At his graveside I sit and write but do not speak.

What does this tell me about myself. Will this be the new normal for me. I have no answers and I guess the coward in me doesn’t want to hear answers, he just craves more distractions. I continue to ponder and just when I think I am closer to “something” – I let go and find myself back at the beginning. I know that doesn’t make much sense to you, not sure it does to me.

Anyway, we are another day closer to Friday and London will soon be awaiting. Until then, thanks for sticking by another ramble and enjoy today’s offering – Back to the office girls in my YTS days and PULP – I think Jarvis Cocker may have had the same interactions in his first job. This is “Pencil Skirt”.

Enjoy

“I thought I could live in your world”…

~

My heart…
Your hands…

My gamble…
I understand…

My fate…
Remains unknown…

My emotion…
Never shown…

My mind…
Wanders free…

My faith…
Overpowers me…

My story…
Endless guilt…

My fault…
Spilt milk…

My game…
Bets spread…

My rules…
Remain unsaid…

My religion…
Silent prayer…

My shame…
Conscience slayer…

My madness…
Inner fight…

My obsession…
Burning bright…

My trust…
Beaten drum…

My fears…
Not overcome…

My worries…
Not unfounded…

My crime…
Always surrounded…

My love…
Crushing blow…

My tears…
Never flow…

~

“Within myself, a secret world returns”…

~

On the bed sat screaming…
Tears from eyes are streaming…
Wide awake but dreaming…
Waking up the dead…

The tortured mind keeps churning…
Fearful visions are returning…
As this fever keeps on burning…
This story is unread…

The mission that’s unfolding…
Is a transformation so beholding…
Where once silence was withholding…
Imprisoning every word that’s said…

The Gods are all abandoning…
Fallen angels so very frightening…
They’re wielding swords and conquering…
Filling hearts with utter dread…

On a cliff edge they are fighting…
The sacred warriors are uniting…
Feelings intense and so exciting…
All trapped within the head…

The clouds above are crying…
Washing the sinful and the dying…
As vultures begin gracefully flying…
The river of blood runs Red…

Sultry maidens provocatively dancing…
Whilst sinister shadows are advancing…
Pure deception through romancing…
This world has been misled…

The final chapter is now impending…
Into Hell they’re soon descending
All eternity they’ll be spending…
Reality hanging by a thread…

These moments so very daunting…
Recurring dreams continue haunting…
Whilst Lucifer stands there taunting…
By the side of the deathbed…

On hands and knees they’re crawling…
Clinging onto death and falling…
As dreamlike voices begin their calling…
From where angels fear to tread…

~

“Welcome to the danger zone, step into the fantasy”…

~

You don’t know what you do to me…

You don’t know how this feels…

All these crazy feelings…

Please tell me this is real…

You leave my poor heart pounding…

My head just fucking spins…

I know that I’m not dreaming…

But not sure where we begin…

This attraction is so powerful…

Am so scared of where it’ll lead…

There will be recriminations…

If your actions do succeed…

Do you realise what you started…

Have you any idea what you’ve done…

This sinful world is not my place…

I miss the warmth of the sun…

There is danger all around us…

In everything we say or do…

Are you really risking everything…

Or are you taking me for a fool…

Your eyes never betray your feelings…

Your mouth doesn’t give you away…

I misread everything you say to me…

Is this just a game you play…

I need to know the answer…

There is just so much at stake…

Yet I’m prepared to gamble everything…

Even if it ends in sheer heartbreak…

Maybe I need to see a doctor…

Or at least get some therapy…

I need a way to forget your face…

And end this insane fantasy…

But how do I escape you…

Or erase the bitter sweet memory…

Am trying so hard to forget the truth…

And focus on day to day reality…

You don’t know what you do to me…

Please tell me you feel the same…

All these fucked up feelings…

My soul burns with your name…

~

“Why didn’t I ask her, where she came from”…

KT Tunstall – Leeds
So my Forty for Forty quest quickly brought me back to my spiritual home, Leeds. I was looking forward to this gig for a few reasons, not least that I do like some of KT’s stuff, but if I am honest, I would not and could not claim to be her biggest fan.

However, there are a few elements that add to the whole picture about this singer for me that I am going to mention – So a few years ago, I scored a VIP pass at Cornbury festival – terribly rainy day, but the VIP tent was warm and dry. Around half way through the event, I was lucky enough to hang backstage with the headlining band, a certain Crowded House, led by a certain Mr Neil Finn.

It was an awesome day – but a memory of that day (aside my Finn worship) was blindly walking into a young lass backstage. Anyway, I had no idea who she was until I saw her on stage later that evening – yes, it was KT – I doubt she will even have the merest recollection, but I do!

Perhaps stemming from that day (sharing a bill with CH not walking into me), KT was invited by Neil Finn to join his 7 worlds collide part 2 session. The result of that was a 2 cd set called “The sun came out” and all proceeds went to charity. Others, including Wilco, Johnny Marr and people from Radiohead were also featured. So KT’s Finn connection may have influenced me wanting to see her too. However, that wasn’t all.

The venue was the City Varieties in Leeds. An amazing old theatre that I hadn’t been to since 1995 for, yes, you guessed it, Neil Finn and his brother Tim. It was quite an amazing night that saw a relaxed and near perfect show, followed by getting stuff signed and meeting the Finns – bliss.

So, onto the show – Row G, to the left of stage it was a pretty perfect view. The support was a fella who had been working with KT – now – he ticked most boxes for me, but sadly didn’t grab me with his music. Which was a shame, because he was a very skilled musician and he at least tried to make contact with the crowd.

KT saunted on stage around 9 to blistering applause. The stage was sparse with a cloth backdrop that I guess is her CD cover and she opened up her set with the first song from her new CD. Now there must be a stage in a singers career that they just know that they are good. More than good, they know they are flipping excellent.

Some may let it go to their head, but KT seems grounded and real. And KT is at that level of excellence – musically amazing. On most of her songs she used the loop / recording equipment to stunning effect. But more importantly for me, was how comfortable she was at engaging the crowd. So at ease in-between songs, no awkward moments, some really funny stories and it really added to the night.

As an aside, I didn’t grasp the fact that her personal life has turned to shit before I went to the gig. Why would I , she never texts me – but regardless, I wasn’t aware and the remarks throughout the night, all light hearted made me go connect the dots on the internet after the gig – Clearly, it’s been a tough time for her and hopefully, the music and the clear love of the crowd she enjoys will aide her healing process.

As ever, I didn’t keep a set list, but KT played “Black horse and the cherry tree” – which cleverly diverged into “Seven Nation Army” by the White Strypes – KT also did a stunning cover of “Boys of Summer” by Don Henley. However, it was the last track that she sung which had the most profound effect – using the loop equipment to layer her voice, it was like a chorus of angels by the end and I have to admit, I fell a bit in love with her by the end of the song.

If I had to complain about anything, it was the length of the set – just an hour and 15. Which I suppose is par for the course for a warm up, but when some of her diehard fans – such as one I met after and hopefully she got to meet KT at the stage door – had flown in from other countries to see the show, I couldn’t help but be disappointed for them.

So another show is ticked off the list. I move on to London in a couple of weeks for Viva Forever and Hard Rock calling (Kasabian and Paul Weller) thanks to free tickets from the Sun! Happy days. I will leave you with KT and “Hazel Black” from the aforementioned 7 worlds project

Enjoy