It’s around 8 weeks since dad passed, yet feels like the blink of an eye. The moment that my phone rang as I left the Eels gig in Nottingham seems to have been burned into my memory forever. The mix of feelings still conflicts me. The night was amazing for so many reasons, yet within a 2 minute call, everything changed.
I drove straight to my parents house and arrived around 1 am. It was dads wish to die at home – a wish granted was also a curse on my mother. The scene of devastation that greeted me is something I don’t want to see again. A dead man on a bed and a screaming widow by his side. I have seen some fucked up things in my life, but that will take some beating.
I haven’t really stopped since. I daren’t. Family pressures have been so great, everyone grieving in their own way, whilst I stay strong, on the outside at least. Guiding them through, trying to say and do the right things. Yet at the same time, trying to pretend none of this happened and try to fool myself into thinking this is normal.
That’s easy to do at work. It’s so manic at the best of times, but you know what it’s like, the day you return, you are back on the wheel. That little cog in the big machine. The sympathy lasts for a while, but then it’s as you were. They stop asking, they stop looking at you “that way” and you find yourself getting bent out of shape at the smallest thing, a missed email or something trivial.
Yet bizarrely, that is what’s kept me going. Away from the tears, the misery, the lamenting. It just means that now, at this point in time when I am about to head to Lisbon on holiday, that I am a bit unsure of myself. I have a 2 week gap where I have no real escape, no distractions other than those of my making.
I have to admit, that’s quite a scary thought. I am trying to act “normal” – whatever normal is or ever was. Yet I am scared to stop in case I don’t start again. What if all this hits me, out there in another country? What if it doesn’t hit me at all? Am I weird that I have yet to cry? Am I such a heartless bastard that I cannot mourn?
Question, questions, questions – so many questions and now, a lot of time to find answers. What if I don’t like the answers I find? I don’t even have an answer to that question. I feel like I am going round in circles. And I am not sure if I am even making sense. My mind is so tired, so I will leave this blog post here. Thanks for reading – Song choice simply came on my ipod at the right time today – Aerosmith “Dream On”.