“Wise enough to carry the scars, without any blame…”

Goodbye 2012.

Goodbye 2012 and fuck you, is really what I want to say, but I am trying to be the bigger and better man.

Its fair to say that if it was a boxing match, 2012 versus myself would have been mis-match of the century. The skinny lad from Yorkshire against the Year of change!  – the bookies would have had a laugh wouldn’t they?

Truth be told, from the moment that first right hook landed last Christmas, I was on the ropes. I honestly never saw it coming and was quickly forced onto back foot. As 2012 then lurched from one thing to another, it felt like the punches continued to just rain down – some jaw splitters, others sneaky little ones to the ribs, one after another.

Each punch a negative memory. Each with its own ripple effect into different areas of my life and my mind. Like arrows embedding into my soul, each blow was a game changer and each defined a new set of rules. Around halfway, the referee should have stopped the fight and he would have had every reason to. Punch-drunk, only my instincts appear to have kept me in the match.

It would be pure self pity to go into too much detail, but a lot of this year has been unfamiliar territory. The year of change has done just that. Its changed me, my family and the direction of my life. If I am honest, I am not completely sure I handled each one the way I would have liked to. “Could do better” would no doubt have been my year end report from the teachers.

Sure, I landed blows on the beast. They may have been small victories in the bigger picture. They may have appeared insignificant to some, but to me they have required an inner strength that I was perhaps unaware I had. Each small victory will remain a positive memory that I will take from this year and carry forward. The outcome was that 2012 won the match in the end, but not by a knockout blow. It won on points.

I am still standing, still here. Am I stronger? Perhaps… Am I wiser? I think so…. Could I have handled things better – almost certainly…. Am I strong enough to lock the negatives in a box at the back of my head and just focus on the positives? I am damn well going to try…

2013 is the year I will say goodbye to my old man, but I think I am as prepared for the moment as I can be. Its the year I will have to stand up and be counted for my mum and again, I am prepared for that too. My 40th will come and go, there may be drama and a midlife crisis, who knows. I have no sight of anything else that will come my way, but I am ready and I am waiting.

I know most of the things that happened this year were not of my making. That makes things a tad easier somedays, other days not. I know that I have had tremendous support from even the most surprising of people and places. That too has helped more that I can say. So now a line is drawn beneath.

There could only be only one of 2 songs that accompanies this ramble. One will remain private, but the other is quite possibly the best song ever written and I implore you to not listen to it once, not even twice, but on repeat.

The lyrics are, as was pointed out to the man himself, “deep”. They have connected with me so many times over the last – man alive, nearly 20 years – and I find myself drawn again.

This is the stunning and amazing Distant Sun. Bless you Mr Finn and thanks for all the music…

Tell me all the things you would change…
I don’t pretend to know what you want…
When you come around and spin my top…
Time and again, time and again…
No fire where I lit my spark…
I am not afraid of the dark…
Where your words devour my heart…
And put me to shame, put me to shame…
When your seven worlds collide…
Whenever I’m by your side…
And dust from a distant sun…
Will shower over everyone…
You’re still so young to travel so far…
Old enough to know who you are…
Wise enough to carry the scars…
Without any blame, there’s no one to blame…
It’s easy to forget what you learned…
Waiting for the thrill to return…
Feeling your desire burn…
And drawn to the flame…
When your seven worlds collide…
Whenever I’m by your side…
Dust from a distant sun…
Will shower over everyone…
Dust from a distant sun…
Will shower over everyone…
And I’m lying on the table…
Washed out in a flood…
Like a Christian fearing vengeance from above…
I don’t pretend to know what you want…
But I offer love…
Seven worlds will collide…
Whenever I’m by your side…
Dust from a distant sun…
Will shower over everyone…
As time, comes rolling down your neck…
Like a tiny bead of sweat…
And you end up getting wet…
Its time, I fell asleep as the dust laid on the ground…

2 responses to ““Wise enough to carry the scars, without any blame…”

  1. Pingback: “Sitting at the Doctor, I don’t believe a thing that he says”… | JamieB2013

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